The Ghoulish Plot: after two successful (and classic) “Halloween” entries featuring Michael Myers, it was decided that the third movie would do the most logical thing possible: get rid of the notorious killer everybody knew, and attempt to transform the series into an anthology series instead. I’m not gonna argue that the Michael Myers character never got stale, but by the end of this movie you’re wishing he’d show up and dance a jig or something.

Set with just a few days before Halloween in the early 80s, a doctor in northern California takes in a patient who is suddenly killed by a weird intruder in a suit, who then retreats to his car and lights himself on fire. As they investigate they discover a weird Halloween mask the man was carrying and his daughter shows up looking for more information into why her dad was killed.

They soon realize the mask is part of a line of masks being marketed heavily to kids all over the country and they’re being made by a weird company run by a strange man in a factory filled with more weird dudes in suits who look like the one who committed the hospital murder. The doctor and the woman investigating her father’s death also shack up in a motel because hey, baby, all this weird witchy stuff ain’t gotta get in the way of us making looooove, right?

Turns out the whole thing is a weird tribute to Samhain rituals that includes part of stone henge being stolen to give the masks a mystical power so when the right signal is sent, everybody wearing the masks is sacrificed to pagan gods. Will our heroes escape the creepy business man and save the country’s kids from having their brains fried?

This entry in the “Halloween” series is a mediocre Twilight Zone episode stretched to 90 minutes, featuring some characters you don’t care about played by actors who aren’t very good. It ends with a dumb cliffhanger that you’ll never have resolved. The only real positive part is the cool synthy soundtrack which was actually written and performed by John Carpenter, the cowriter/director of the first two movies. He was apparently very cool with them screwing up his franchise as long as he got to drop some dope-ass synth vibes.

The Scariest Part of the Movie: that it exists, I guess? I’d heard of it and knew a bit of the backstory about why they made it this way, but I’d never watched it until now and I envy the part of me that existed before I clicked “play” to stream this.

Spookiness Factor: almost none. I would rate this movie as somewhere between “mild traffic” and “oh no I forgot to grab milk when I was at the store.”

Rating: 1 out of 10 Red Vines