The Ghoulish Plot: two witchy sisters are born into a family of witches with a curse that any man they love is doomed to die. Their dad meets this fate and their mother dies “of a broken heart” (nobody ever dies of this anymore, right?) so they go live with their even more witchy aunts who teach them about being super witchy as the girls both look ahead to how they want to live their lives romantically to try and avoid having to go through the same problems as their mom.

Eventually they get older and the girls take very different paths: one leaves and becomes a party girl, and the other stays and gets married and has a family and opens a store selling fancy shampoos and soaps and lotions at extravagant prices, a precursor to all the “natural” Etsy concoctions and treatments. The only thing missing from the equation is if it were made in 2024 she’d probably be anti-vaxx and homeschool her kids.

The party girl gets mixed up with a bad guy and calls her sister for help, and they accidentally kill him, then try to resurrect him with their witchy powers. It goes awry, and then a cop from Arizona starts sniffing around for the dead ex-boyfriend while also sniffing around the other sister.

Can they stay out of jail? Can they exorcise the demon of the bad ex-boyfriend from their lives? Will people really spend $88 on a tube of lotion if you say it has herbs that reduce facial lines? How many songs from Stevie Nicks can we fit on a soundtrack? All these questions will be answered.

The Scariest Part of the Movie: at one point, Aidan Quinn was considered a romantic lead. Now, he is only allowed to act when we need somebody to portray a Founding Father in something. Oh hey, a Sam Adams biopic on Starz? Thaw out Aidan Quinn!

The Spookiness Factor: pretty minimal on the scares for this one. We watched it as a palette cleanser after “Terrifier” and boy, did it do the trick.

Rating: 6 out of 10 5th Avenue bars