The Ghoulish Plot: It’s the end of the 1970s, and nothing is quite right in America, everything is beige and drunk driving is the rule of the land. An orphaned teenage boy named Mike follows his shithead older brother to a funeral and spots a weird tall undertaker who starts lifting coffins by himself while rocking a pretty intense skullet, even for 1979. Super strength is one thing but dude, know when to let the hair go, man.

Their paths continue to cross with the tall undertaker (whose scary bad guy name is “Tall Man”) until they realize he’s directly involved with the disappearances that have plagued the area, so they team up with their buddy the hippie-dippie ice cream man and break into the mortuary to discover that Tall Man is shrinking bodies and turning them into…something else. He also has access to flying silver balls with spikes that only give you a couple of minutes with tense music to dodge them at most, which is pretty tough when you’re busy making shocked faces.

Over the course of the movie multiple dream sequences and flashbacks make it impossible to figure out what’s actually happening, until it all wraps up in an ending that indeed happens as the movie was running out of film, apparently. It’s something about space midgets being used as slaves for something intergalactic. I dunno, man, people had been doing a lot of hallucinogens for a decade and then this movie got made and Jimmy Carter was President and shag carpeting seemed like a good idea.

The Scariest Part of the Movie: this movie has spawned several sequels, and the Tall Man has been rocking the same haircut for decades. Seriously, dude, accept it and shave your head.

Spookiness Factor: the movie is never really sure what kind of horror movie it wants to be, so just as you start to get into whatever phase it’s rolling in everything shifts and you’re never really all that affected by the scares. This might be one of the funniest horror movies I’ve seen in a while.

Rating: 3 out of 10 Australian licorice pieces for this one.

The Ghoulish Plot: a man from Boston travels to visit his fiancee at her spooky mansion, only to find that her gaslighting brother Roderick (played by a blond-dyed Vincent Price) would rather his sister not get married, have kids, or be happy in general. In 2024 Price’s character would probably be classified as a neurodivergent empath and spend the entire movie wearing Anime and MAGA t-shirts while posting on incel subreddits, but in 1960 he’s just a weirdo who likes to whisper and wear velvet jackets and says the house he lives in is evil, so his sister can never leave — clearly a very logical and reasonable request.

Eventually when Mr. Beantown decides to take his fiancee whether her brother likes it or not, Roderick opts to fake her death and bury her alive. But because he is eager to get back to playing his lute and drinking sherry, he does a bad job and she eventually gets free and may finally cause the ultimate demise of the House of Usher. Ends with a big flaming setpiece that director Roger Corman liked so much he used footage from in multiple movies. Will our lead character escape with his life and go found Dunkin’? Or will he himself be trapped forever in a dysfunctional family?

The Scariest Part of the Movie: The Usher’s manservant has been working in a house of sociopaths for 60 years. Talk about a toxic work environment!

Spookiness Factor: The movie LOOKS very spooky, lots of mist and fog and cobwebs and creaky old mansion shots. And Vincent Price is always reliably creepy, even with dyed hair and asking everybody to tiptoe and whisper at him.

Rating: 6 out of 10 Japanese Kit-Kats

The Ghoulish Plot: A once-acclaimed director made a weird, fun and unique movie in 1988 about a rural couple dying and meeting a weird demon creature that somehow grabbed the interest of the public and became a Saturday morning cartoon show. Many years and famous actress girlfriends later and after remaking “Dumbo” for some reason, that director reaaaaaally needed a hit and miraculously decided it would be cool to make a sequel to that earlier movie in 2024.

You remember that one kid in high school that you initially thought was pretty cool who wore punk t-shirts and said lots of nihilistic shit, and then eventually you just realized they were an attention-starved weirdo who talked way too much and worked at Hot Topic?

This movie is that person, in movie form. Way too much try-hard plot points thrown at the wall, and instead of the clear protagonist/antagonists situation we got in the first movie, now we have no clear idea idea who we’re supposed to care about or why. They even create a subplot designed specifically to humiliate one of the stars of the first movie (who has since done plenty to disgrace himself) that gets the plot moving, then does nothing else of value the rest of the film. Which is a pretty good summary of the entire movie, I guess.

The Scariest Part of the Movie: That even when you’re dead, most subway cars are filled with people yelling and dancing to music and you can’t figure out where the damn train is going in the first place.

Spookiness Factor: just like that Hot Topic kid, it looks like it’s supposed to be scary but then you get up closer and realize it’s full of strawberry Pocky and probably has divorced parents.

Rating: 3 out of 10 Peanut Butter Cups

Years ago I would spend the entire month of October watching spooky movies, and then write up summaries here. I haven’t done it in ages because a) nobody really asked me to do this or b) gave a shit when I did.

But what the hell; it’s come up enough times from people who used to read it that they always looked forward to it and the world is a stress-filled hellscape and we all need a good excuse to watch some silly horror movies and eat candy and popcorn. So I’m doing it again. Starting tomorrow, I’m attempting to do 31 days in a row of horror movie write-ups. I’m going to start the month by trying to dive into stuff I’ve never seen before, and then near the end of the month we’ll start dipping into the old classics.

Will I get to 31? Will readership dry up and everybody stops caring? Only one way to find out!

More info/tickets:
10/4 Trenton 7:30 show 9:30 show (headlining)
10/18-10/19 Traverse City Comedy Club w/ Ben Bailey
11/2 Nashport OH
11/9 Ludington MI
11/14-11/16 One Night Stans w/ Mike Brody
12/5 Supernatural Brewing LIvonia MI
12/14 Stella’s Plymouth MI (headlining)
1/8-1/11 San Francisco Punch Line w/ Tom Rhodes

Grabbing a set this upcoming Tuesday 6/4 at the House of Comedy in downtown Detroit. Come hang out!

Happy to announce I’ll be performing as part of the Motor City Comedy Festival in Detroit this September. More info to come!