Cinema of Spookeries: Day 9 – Pixels


The Ghoulish Plot: In the mid-90′s, a comedic man-child grabs the attention of the world with his silly voices, sophomoric jokes and generally harmless shtick. As time goes on, the man gets older but the jokes do not. Movie by movie, he continues to offer the same, tired shtick of a shlumpy man who endlessly wears cargo shorts, always loves some band from the 70′s and somehow always wins the day and gets to walk into the sunset with a beautiful woman. 

Then, the unthinkable happens – the man-child decides to try something new and take risks. He acts in serious movies where the quiet, seething rage underneath his flubby exterior is brought into full view for the world to see, in an attempt to prove he has more value than just silly sports movies where fat guys fall down. 

Alas, by then it is too late. Much of the world has written him off and his fanbase will not dare see their sweatpant-clad hero as anything else. It is then that his rage finally takes over and the man begins making movies even more awful than ever before, one after another, filled with scant plotlines, jokes that simply refer to older jokes from older movies and recycled visual gags from other movies. 


With every hateful, angry film a concoction of such putrid garbage is unleashed in cineplexes all over the world, and as each dollar rolls in the man sits in his Hollywood home, laughing at how he has proven the world is stupid, meaningless and without concern for the sanctity of the few moments of life each is granted. As time goes on he swears that he will continue to rob these poor souls of every penny he can, so that his children may enjoy lives of quiet solitude on private islands far away from those wretched, meandering sacks of meat on which he profits from. His soul grows darker with each passing film, but there is nobody on Earth whom he hates more than himself. 

The Scariest Part Of The Movie: It made $77 Million Dollars. 

Our Hero’s Downfall: Believing in his heart that humanity is empty, careless and stupid. 


Spookiness Factor: 10 out of 10

See more Cinema of Spookeries:
Day 4: The Blair Witch
Day 2: Alien
Day 1: Monster Squad

The 2014 Archive

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