The Ghoulish Plot: Beautiful, young and adventurous, Scarlet is on a hunt for a mythical object and doesn’t care how she finds it. So obviously, somebody wanted to make a documentary about her. Scarlet is hunting for something called a “Philosopher’s Stone,” an object of biblical legend which can supposedly change any metal into gold and also grant the owner eternal life. It also has a terrible name and was supposed to be part of the title of the first Harry Potter book but was changed because people don’t like poor, smelly philosophers. How about you philosophize some rent money, jerk?
Scarlet finds a clue as to the stone’s whereabouts while on a fun jaunt to lovely Iran and barely makes it out with her life. She high-tails it to Paris for the next clue, but she can’t translate from the Aramaic. What a dummy! So, Scarlet hunts down her old associate Benjy, a fellow history nerd who happens to be in Paris fixing an old clock tower illegally because that’s the kind of thing quirky, nerdy history guys do. Benjy says he’ll help translate but nothing else because Scarlet is dangerous to be around, which means you’ll be seeing Benjy for the rest of the movie and he and Scarlet will probably be in love by the end.
The clues lead them to the catacombs underneath Paris, where the bodies of the dead were put for centuries. They find a crew who claims to know the underground system well, slap some cameras on their heads and head in. Oh, and the clues mentioned something about how the stone was being kept on the road to Hell. FYI, guys. Now you have fun on your descent into the abyss!
As soon as they enter the mysterious catacombs things start to get creepy, and then things get dangerous as people start getting injured, mysterious people start showing up and then members of the crew start dying.
The team begins to shrink as people die in shocking, scary ways and as they go deeper, the path behind them seems to disappear. Finally they come across a tunnel with the infamous “Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here” etched above it, in a nod to those who read the epic poems of Dante. The team has no choice but to enter and confront their fate, kind of like when you’re hungry on a long drive and the only restaurant for hundreds of miles is a Denny’s. Abandon all hope, indeed.
The Scariest Part Of The Movie: That it takes place in an underground cave filled with dead bodies. Talk about setting the scene! “How about a haunted house?” “How about a terrifying cave filled with Satanic symbolism and never-ending darkness?” “You win.”
Our Hero’s Downfall: Scarlet was confident she could handle anything the world could throw at her, except maybe if it threw Hell at her.
Could It Happen: I’m sure some locals in Paris would be fine if Hell swallowed up a few of the tourists taking selfies at the Eiffel Tower.
Spookiness Factor: 7 out of 10. It’s dark, stuff jumps out all over the place, it’s very quiet but then suddenly there’s shrieking and screaming. Plus, Hell stuff. That Satan really nailed it with his branding.